INSTRUCTIONS FOR OPERATION - 2002 FORD CONVERTIBLE MUSTANG (AKA SWEETNESS)
Congrats, you are now the proud owner of Sweetness, the best car in the entire world! We’re positive you and Sweetness will have a long and happy life together (ignore that groaning sound when you turn the wheel). There are just some things you should know. If you have any further questions about vehicular operation or repair, stand next to Sweetness in any gas station and a man named Larry or Billy or Junior will appear at ask you “What kinda engine’s on that thing?” You can ask him any questions you may have.
OPERATING THE ROOF
The roof can be lowered should you desire some extra sun or attention. The engine that used to automatically raise and lower the roof committed suicide 5 years ago when it realized Sweetnesss was going to be pushed long passed when she should’ve been laid to rest in a junkyard grave. You can pretty much get the roof down by yourself, but you’ve got to be sure it’s not going to rain until you see somewhere who can help you put it back up. You’ll try every so often to put it back up by yourself (it can’t really be that hard), and then realize you really can’t and wish you had elasta-girl arms or a girlfriend. (The roof will become a pretty obvious metaphor when your ex moves out and you’re brutally confronted with your own solitude. And then a group of teenage boys will lean out of their car windows taking photos of you because you’re going down the road in a storm holding an umbrella while you drive, which does make you feel like Anne Hathaway in that scene in Princess Diaries, but not in a good way. But then, of course, you learn to ask for help in a very literal way, which forces you to appreciate and deepen the friendships you already have, all so you can enjoy a little sunshine and maybe everything’s going to be just fine blah blah blah. The whole thing is pretty on the nose).
The back driver-side window doesn’t go down but it also doesn’t fully go up. This is because the window once fell completely into the body of the car, in a way you didn’t ever think could really happen. (Sweetness will really teach you there are lots of ways a car can break that you never really knew before, and isn’t that just a lesson in imagination). This window issue may cause problems when it rains. Dish buckets work well to catch the rain and keep your back seat from becoming an aquarium or petri dish. Just remember to budget time to mop it out before you have to be anywhere, or there will be a smell and you will start googling “mold poisoning symptoms.” You can try getting it fixed, but every repair shop in town will work on it for 1-5 hours until telling you it needs a special part they can’t possibly find, which doesn’t really make sense to you because it’s not like it’s that old, it’s only 5 years younger than you, and when you break you don’t need any special parts, just Ibuprofen and proximity to a body of water. One nice repair man will see you are on the verge of tears and at least get it to stay closed as long as you don’t put it down, which your ex does by accident on the way home from a concert and uses you reminding her not to do that as a reason to finally end things. The window is still broken today. You’re not. Again, pretty on the nose.
USING THE RADIO
The car is best enjoyed wearing a statement sunglass (purple, heart shaped), sipping a crisp Dr. Pepper from a straw, and playing songs with belt-able lyrics that make you feel like maybe everything’s going to be just fine. Music can be played via USB cord. If it doesn’t play at first, unplug the phone, press play, lock the phone, plug it in, wait for it to come through the speakers, then it will pause for some reason, and then you can hit play again. Easy! Don’t touch the volume knob while the navigation is speaking or it will (obviously) shut off completely. NOTE: Music quality is maximized if the lyrics include something about soaking up the sun.
Sometimes the USB port just stops working completely. There’s a way to fix that, but really we recommend switching to Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville, which is still in the CD changer from the last owner. Helpful for when you want to claim that there’s a woman to blame, but really you know, it’s nobody’s fault.
PAYMENT
As the car was given to you when your extremely generous friend and her extremely generous family saw that you needed it (well, when you boldly asked them if you could have the car they were getting rid of when you were staring down post-grad life in a car-centric city with nothing but credit card debt and a drama degree), no monetary payments are required. However, payments can be made toward the generosity shown to you by giving rides to friends, namely to the local hotel pool that you can get into if you know where to park, namely with plans to get ice cream on the way home. Also good for group fast food runs and errands that are more fun with gossip. The back seat is a tight squeeze, but you’ll find most of your friends won’t complain as long as the roof is down. They’ll be too busy saying they feel like they’re in a movie, and you’re happy they don’t mean that one scene in the Princess Diaries.
Keep sunscreen on hand — they’ll think they don’t need it but they’ll ask when you get caught in traffic on 40 and they feel like they’re being pan-seared. And even though you’re pretty sensitive to heat, you won’t complain either, because there’s nowhere you feel more yourself than baking in the southern heat, hoping you can drive fast enough that the wind cuts through the humidity. So you don’t complain, and neither do your friends baking in the back seat. They won’t mind the wet floor or broken window or hot leather seats, because driving in Sweetness is the event in-and-of-itself. Everyone is busy quite literally appreciating the journey and not the destination. Which might be a little on the nose. But maybe everything’s going to be just fine.
Listened to while writing this week: my mom’s neighbors lawn mower.
Apologies for the lack of a free post last week - my stomach was fighting a losing battle with some bad hamburger meat.
I am raising money to take my one-woman show, Will Shea, Won’t Shea? to Edinburgh Fringe! (Read all about it here). If you have anything to spare, it would mean the absolute WORLD to me if you could donate. We raised £1500 on Indiegogo (and venmo) thanks to many of the readers of this very newsletter. I am so thankful — because of you I was able to pay the festival registration fees and my first venue deposit! I’ve switched over to the official Fringe crowdfunder platform, where I am trying to raise £1000 by the end of the month to cover the next venue payment. Anything you can contribute is a HUGE help.
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Share!! I know times are tough and you may not have any money to spare, so it could really help me out if you could share the Crowdfunder link! Posting on your socials, as well as directly texting people you think that might be willing to donate, would really be so helpful. The link: https://crowdfund.edfringe.com/p/shea