I’m comin at you live from my one day off in Edinburgh! Today, I have officially done 13 (13!) shows and I have 12 (12!) more. Honestly, it’s so so fun and I’m having the time of my life. If you donated to help get me here, just know I think about you literally every day and I can never tell you just how grateful I am.
Edinburgh is gorgeous of course, with the sea nearby, and Arthur’s Seat standing watch over the city (yes I have already re-watched One Day. Some other time we need to discuss how Emma Morley is one of the best romantic leads of our time?). There’s also a gorgeous castle looming over the city and every time I try to take a picture of it, I can’t do it justice. It’s like taking a picture of the moon, or a video of fireworks. Why bother? I always feel a weird sense of relief when this happens, like I’m released from the pressure of capturing the moment because it’s simply not possible. There’s literally no point, so you’re free to just look at it with your eyes and have that be enough.
Wow I cannot make this up but as I’m writing this, a rainbow has appeared outside the window of this cafe. It is one of the most beautiful rainbows I’ve ever seen? This cafe is at the beach, facing the ocean, and the rainbow feels like it’s just outside the window, between the cafe and the ocean. It’s a full rainbow too, like one a kid would draw. My server just described it as having “quite a shallow arch,” and she’s right. It’s like someone made it the exact right height for us to look at it. Obviously I took a picture, which I’ll include. But it’s not as good as seeing it in person. I could google pictures of rainbows right now. I could look back at this photo of a rainbow tomorrow and remember how it felt to see the rainbow. But it wouldn’t be seeing the rainbow, here in this moment, knowing it’s right there but really it’s nowhere, just a trick of the light that only the 50 people in this immediate area get to really look at.
Now obviously, there are photographers with amazing cameras out there who COULD take a picture that beholds the beauty of this rainbow. And I love looking at photos like that! Photography is a gorgeous art form! But taking photos for the art of it is very different than me compulsively photographing every moment in the case that I might want to reminisce, with proof.
I’ve travelled solo quite a bit over the past few years, and I’ve gotten into the habit of taking pictures of mundane stuff, since there’s no one with me to remember. Pictures of my meals, of my outfits, of pretty trees. It’s nice, to have a log to look back on. But I’ve had to remind myself constantly that the picture isn’t the thing. I have a personal rule that I have to look at the thing for twice as long as it takes me to take a picture of the thing. Or sometimes I take a few deep breaths while I look at the thing (warning if you do this at the ocean you will weep). I have to remember I’m not here to take pictures of the view. I’m not here so I can remember being here. I’m here to see the view. I’m here to be here.
Blah blah blah Shea what are you going to tell us next, that social media is bad?? Duh!! You’re right, it’s nothing new. But I’m thinking about the difference between documenting a thing and doing the thing a lot here at the Fringe. The days here are going by impossibly fast. I feel immense pressure. Of course, of course, of course pressure is a PRIVILEGE, as they say on America’s Sweathearts, the perfect docuseries about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that I’ve been watching when not doing my show or seeing other people’s shows or frantically emailing press or agents while eating salami out of a tupperware or chasing gay people down the street telling them they’d like my play. Amidst the pressure of making the most of this crazy experience, I’m trying to document as much as a can, with pre-show journal entries and photos of my friends that come to watch and voice notes to long distance buddies trying to articulate what it feels like. And it’s fun, to do all that. It’s meaningful, to have a memento or to be able to connect with someone over what you’re experiencing, to get to share a little bit of what it’s like being exactly me at this exact moment.
But still, even if I can’t find the words to perfectly explain, even if the pre-show selfie doesn’t show you exactly how it feels to do the same 45 minute (48 actually but shh) show over and over again to audiences ranging from 3 people to 15 (or god willing, 35, the capacity of my theatre — please come see my show), even if in a month I don’t remember exactly how the light hit the Water of Leith while I drank an Edinburgh Gin Fizz — I still drank it, I still saw it, I still did it, I still felt it. The castle still stands watch.
Apologies for the unannounced hiatus — I foolishly thought I’d be able to stick to my writing schedule in the first half of Fringe. Consider this a make up paid post for the missed one in July, and there will be the August paid post at the end of the month as usual!
listened to this week: nothin tbh
