Getting Caught Up

week 55

I have always felt behind. I don’t mean in an existential-I-should-be-married-or-famous-by-now sense — I like my life! I mean in the most literal sense, I feel like I’m always playing catch up. The new money goes to my old debt. My weekend sleep replaces the weekday lack. I’m finishing the reading due last week. Even writing this Substack — I always have the sense that I am behind, that even when I put one out, the clock is already ticking on the next. I somehow should’ve already started.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as this December, but because this feeling has taken a back seat. I realized at the start of this month that it was the most present (haha) I had felt in a December in a long time. I started to look back at previous Decembers and realized that I have spent almost all of them since graduating college (and throughout my life) living somewhere different than the one prior. I can name the year based solely on the house I remember decorating. Decembers have been months of change, or preparing for change (like moving to a different country), or living in a different country where the sun sets at 3 pm and you’ve been battling a three month illness brought on by the 30 germ-y preschoolers at your new job.

This feeling is not limited to my adult life. As I am one of the youngest ages a person can be (28), it’s still true that most of my life has been spent in school. Despite getting good grades (brag o’clock), the end of the semester rush was always a sleepless haze of playing catch up. I found myself buried under papers I hadn’t started and books I hadn’t read and holding my eyes open to mainline the readings, barely able to follow the words because I was too distracted counting the pages left. The ghost of all-nighters past have haunted most of my Decembers since.

So when December 1 hit and I realized I had nothing to catch up on, my bells were jingling! This December has felt so long in the best way. I feel so much more in-the-moment. I’m noticing when the temperature changes and by how much. I’m luxuriating in the coziness of running from a cold walk home into a warm house. I have all my Christmas sweaters lined up at the ready for any holiday gathering. I feel goddamn holly jolly.

I think there are lots of reasons for this. I have a consistent, pleasant job that pays me enough to pay my bills (did you guys know this existed?). At the end of the day, I have enough energy to hang out with friends or, like, read a book. I get 9 hours of sleep most nights!!!!! I have the mental energy to pursue my creative career. I’m also getting some answers and, get this, medical attention, for chronic conditions I have had for most of my life. And, alongside these many perks of having competent doctors and a job I love and pays normal, I’m also not going through any of the crises you randomly have to go through some times (sickness/injury, unemployment, breakups, cars breaking down, people being annoying towards you). There’s not a ton you can do to avoid these things, so I’m grateful to be in a pocket of time without them.

So part of it is luck, and part of it is that I am feeling caught up on some things, like money and sleep and my physical health. My financial situation is a little better, and I’m not spending my days trying to figure out how to redeem credit card miles for a security deposit. I am enjoying this time and it’s definitely letting me feel more present. But I’m still in debt (shout out to the amazing company Capital One! Hope you’re having an amazing holiday season spending all that hard-earned interest <3). I will be for awhile. And I’m sure I will have many other times in my life when I feel behind. There will always be something past due. But I hope I can find ways to let that be okay. I don’t need all the dishes to be done to enjoy my house. I don’t need all the debt to be paid to start saving. I hope I can just read the story, instead of counting the pages.

I hope you are also having a happy December! And if you’re not, I hope you can at least find some cookies and a terrible Christmas movie to watch soon. I love you! I’m so, so grateful to you for reading!! This will be the final post of the year, and, in the spirit of not playing catch up, I will be adjusting this writing schedule to match what I’ve actually been putting out. Sooo for 2026 please expect two posts a month, one free and one paid! Maybe sometimes I will have the inspo to write more, maybe I won’t. C’est la vie or whatever.